Ammo jokes


#1

Ray started all of this with his blonde jokes, and I thought: "Are there any ammo jokes?"
Post your jokes here, please.

A 100 year old man tells his doctor at the office visit that is he doing great, just married a 20 year old (yes, Ray, blonde) and she is pregnant.
“What do you think?”, the old man says.
“Well”, says the doctor, “once a hunter friend of mine went strolling in the woods, saw a deer, raised his gun and fired 2 shots. The deer fell dead. Then the hunter realized that he left his gun at home and was using a walking stick. What do you think happened?”
“Someone else put those 2 shots into the deer”, the old man said.
“Exactly my point”, said the doctor.

I don’t know which ammo killed the deer.


#2

Knock-Knock

Who’s there?

Cannelure

Cannelure who?

Cannelure cause an infection? cause I can’t get the hook out…


#3

DK that was bad!!!


#4

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

“What’s wrong?” asked the mother. “I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,” replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. “Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.”

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. “It’s okay” said the Mom, “I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.”

“No,” said the boy, “I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.”


#5

sksvlad,

hope you don’t mind me doing this, only i’ve heard the joke you posted worded slightly differently, which i think reads across better…

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better.”

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

‘So what do you think about that Doc?’

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story;

”I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead!”

”Now, what do you make of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied “My point exactly!!”


#6

No problem, magpie, your version is the correct one, not only I don’t remember my ammo, now the jokes are gone, thank God I can still find the forum.


#7

Well, since torpedos are ammo, I guess this kinda fits (stolen from another forum)

Make your own captions


#8

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Trazador

Trazador who?

Trazador again, it’s probably just stuck

ahem… I’ll stop now. Trazador = Spanish for Tracer


#9

Here’s one from the internet.

" A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson, that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110.

He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be. "

(Arizona Arms Newsletter Cowboy Humor, Feb 2005)


#10

A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in
her tree. She looks in the phone book and finds a
gorilla removal service.

When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the
service guy asks, “Is it a male or female?” "Male,"
she replies. “Oh yeah, we can do it. I’ll be right
there,” he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a
stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of
handcuffs.

He then gives the woman some instructions. “I’m
going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with
the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he
does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the
gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then
cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you
to put the handcuffs on him.”

The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree
before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua.”


#11

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods

when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem

to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

His partner whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think my friend is dead!

What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,

"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make

sure he’s dead."

…There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The

first guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says,

…OK, now what?"


#12

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill Her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”


#13

This is very interesting english lesson .Something I have never learnt at school

For example : now I know what "to play with oneself " means :)


#14

More or less:

" How many less -than -zero C° are there today , according to you"

" …a lot"

“We refuse to assault the enemy trenches .They delivered to us gone bad ammo again”

“WHAT? Mutiny!!!”

“…you seen that?”


#15

Grave marker in Boot Hill Cemetary

[i]HERE LIES LES MOORE

TWO SLUGS FROM A 44

NO LES NO MORE[/i]

Ray


#16

Anecdotes from a book by Hudson Maxim, ‘Dynamite Stories’

6 - DISCHARGING PAT

A works foreman of mine who had been employed as assistant superintendent in another dynamite factory told me the following story:

He one day intercepted an Irish laborer who was taking a barrel, which had been used for settling nitroglycerin, down to the soda dry-house, with the intention of filling it with hot nitrate of soda from the drying-pans. The foreman scolded Pat roundly, and told him that, should he do such a reckless thing again, he would be instantly discharged. The foreman then went to the superintendent’s office and reported the matter.

In the meantime, Patrick, utterly ignoring the injunction, simply waited for the foreman to disappear, then proceeded to the dry-house with the barrel and began to fill it with the hot nitrate of soda.
Over in the superintendent’s office the foreman had just completed his narration of Pat’s carelessness, when there was a thunderous report and a crash of glass, and Pat’s booted foot landed on the office floor between them.

The superintendent dryly remarked, “Evidently, Pat is already discharged!”


#17

Why is ammo better than women?

  1. If you get a new cartridge you can still keep the old ones, without giving them money every month.
  2. Old cartridges are often more desirable than new ones.
  3. If you admire a friend’s cartridge and tell him so, he will probably let you fondle it for a few minutes.
  4. You can play with your cartridges any day of the month.

#18

…and the most important:

5- cartridges don’t speak


#19

A man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup. After the checkup the Doctor’s face was serious.

“Its not good I’m afraid, you’re going to have to give up that cartridge collecting”

“Really Doc? will that make me live longer?”

“Probably not, But it will sure seem longer”


#20

[quote=“Will”]Why is ammo better than women?

  1. If you get a new cartridge you can still keep the old ones, without giving them money every month.
  2. Old cartridges are often more desirable than new ones.
  3. If you admire a friend’s cartridge and tell him so, he will probably let you fondle it for a few minutes.
  4. You can play with your cartridges any day of the month.[/quote]

Plus you don’t have to buy them dinner before you fire them.